Oh Albus! English
by Mathra
Summary: Sirius and Remus discover something about Dumbledore and McGonagall that they really didn't want to know.SiriusRemus, Rating T, Complete


Author: Mathra

Title: Oh Albus! (english)

Rating: T

Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling

**Oh Albus**

„Oh Albus!", Professor McGonagall giggled and looked at him devotedly.

Next to him Sirius turned to ice. Remus barley could suppress his hysteric laughter. Every thought about the kitchen and its comforts was forgotten. Desperately he stuffed his fist into his mouth to avoid the snorting.

'Not here, where everybody can see us…' He heard Professor McGonagall saying.

He caught a quick glimpse of Sirius who still stood transfixed like a rabbit and looked as if his eyes were going to jump out of his eyeholes. They huddled against each other as closely as possible while their backs were pressed against the cold stonewall. Remus prayed frantically that the invisibility cloak wouldn't slip and leave the both of them out in the open.

Professor Dumbledore whispered something into Professor McGonagall's ear. She blushed heavily and the two of them vanished behind a corner of the corridor until their footsteps faded away.

Remus tore of the invisibility cloak, jerked his hand out of his mouth and snorted with laughter. From the corner of his eye he saw that Sirius was closing and opening his mouth like a fish on the land. That was the final blow and he sank to the ground gasping for air.

After a while Sirius kneeled next to him and pushed his palms into his eyes.

'I'm blind, Moony!' He said with a soundless voice. 'Never before I've seen something this _disgusting. _Farewell, you beloved sunlight, never shall I see you again!'

Remus got up slowly until he sat next to Sirius against the wall and whipped away his tears of laughter.

'How can I ever see McGonagall into the eyes again?' Sirius continued. 'I'm marked! Marked for life! How am I supposed to father a child, when I'll always…' Sirius flinched. '..always have this picture in my mind?"

'Don't worry, you'll get over it.' Remus said. 'Even the two of them are only human, and humans have _needs_…'

'Argh! Don't go on!…' Sirius cried.

'Needs!' Remus purred. 'Longings and urges…'

Sirius pressed his hands to his ears. 'I'm deaf! Deaf and blind! Remus Lupin, you ruined my life!'

Remus snorted amused and tried to pull away Sirius' hands. 'Oh Aaaalbuuus!', he sighed theatrically. 'Let's have hot wild monkey sex! In the Great Hall, in front of everybody!'

'Ahhh…'

'Take me, Albus, right here, right now!'

'No, stop it! I can't bear it anymore!'

Satisfied with his result Remus let him go and grabbed the invisibility cloak.

'Hurry up, the others are waiting and we haven't even been to the kitchen yet.' He stood up. 'At least we have a great apology why were are so late.'

* * *

They sat in transfiguration and were supposed turn the cup lying in front of them into a vegetable of their choice. While Peter and Remus were really trying and James cup already looked at least a little bit like a cabbage, Sirius sat quietly on his chair and starred at Professor McGonagall with big eyes.

Remus nudged James and pointed at Sirius. James gave a shrug and waggled his hand in front of Sirius' face.

Immediately Sirius looked at James and asked quite unfriendly: 'What?'

'What's the matter with you?', Remus heared James whisper, so that he wouldn't draw any attention to themselves. 'Are you having some _erotic _thoughts again?'

'Shut up!' Sirius hissed while James chuckled.

'What's up? Are you feeling sick? Maybe you should ask McGonagall whether you two could go somewhere private…'

'Mr Potter, Mr Black!', Professor McGonagall called suddenly. 'Are there any problems?'

'No, no problems here, Professor.', James answered while Sirius avoided her searching eyes and starred concentrated at his cup.

At the end of the lesson they went into the Gryffindor's Common Room. After ten minutes of Peter begging James to play a round of Wizard Chess they went upstairs. Remus took his book and moved into an armchair next to a window. However, he never got around to read because a really grumpy Sirius sat in an armchair next to him, looked at him angrily and sighed loudly. After the third solemn sigh he had enough.

'What?', he asked Sirius and let his book sank unnerved.

'What, what?', Sirius replied.

'Stop going on my nerves, say what you want to and then go away!'

Sirius put on an offended face and crossed his arms.

But when Remus picked up his book again he said quickly: 'Do you think I can ever again kiss somebody without thinking about _The Incident_?'

Remus knitted his brows sneeringly, but when he saw that Sirius was really concerned he put away his book and looked at him interrogatively.

'I mean, what if I can never have normal relationship again? What, if I want to kiss someone, but I can't because in my mind's eye I see Professor Dumbledore snogging Professor McGonagall?'

Really, Sirius, don't act like a child…'

'That's easy for you to say.', Sirius interrupted him harshly. 'Professor McGonagall is the only person who commands respect and who I, well, _respect_.' He ran his hand over his hair. 'You can't understand this. It's as if you surprised your parents doing _it_.'

Remus gasped. He suddenly saw pictures inside his had that…, No, quickly he thought of snow, of mud, of Snape… okay.

'My parents never had…

Now Sirius looked at him doubtfully.

'Merlin, I had no idea what you' re going through!', Remus said finally.

* * *

'I'm doomed!', Sirius cried as he stormed in the dorm and threw himself onto his bed. James, Remus and Peter were just devouring Peter's left-overs from his last Hogsmeade visit.

Sirius buried his had in the pillow.

'Sirius, get up before you choke yourself.', James said and grabbed some chocolate.

'No, the afterlife is the only place I can find my peace.'

'What happened?', Peter asked unsuspectingly and looked from Sirius to James.

Remus winced. He had a vague notion of what had happened because an hour ago Sirius had gone out to find the first girl that came along (and that was at least 16) and to snog her senseless to cure himself, as he had put it.

'What happened?', Sirius murmured into the pillow. ' I'm going to die as an eunuch, that's what happened!' He sat up and looked at them. 'There she was: beautiful, blond, blue-eyed…, never mind, just some girl from Ravenclaw. She is sitting in the library, I set myself in front of her, I turn on my irresistible charm…' James snorted loudly, but Sirius went on. '…irresistible charm, she is smiling at me, I'm holding her hand, we're taking of into a quiet corner, she is closing her eyes, I'm coming closer and closer and suddenly there is this voice inside my head: Oh Aaaalbuuus!'

Peter started snickering and Remus really had to pull himself together not to join him. The corner of James mouth was twitching suspiciously, but he still listened carefully.

'So I tear my eyes open and hectically look around, but there isn't anyone. I try to fully concentrate myself on the task in front of me when suddenly I have this picture in my head where Dumbledore is nibbling at McGonagalls ear. That's when I totally lost it. I feverishly told her something about nausea and scarpered. She wasnt amused, I can tell you.'

Peter, battling his hiccup, rolled himself together on the ground howling with laughter. Sirius looked at him angrily, but as James wasn't able to hold his laughter back any longer and Remus as well gave up any resistance he still had, Sirius began to chuckle with them, so that the whole dorm was filled with their howling, chuckling and gasping for air.

'You have to accept your fate!', Peter panted.

'You can still snog Snape.', James snorted. 'If the shock won't kill you, you'll be healed forever!'

'Maybe that's it.', Peter giggled. 'Maybe you just can't kiss girls anymore, maybe you are in love with Dumbledore!'

While James and Peter buckled over with laughter, Remus noticed a thoughtful look in Sirius eyes.

* * *

Remus dreamed of pink rabbits, they were going to eat him, but he couldn't move and as he looked at himself, he saw that he was a big green cabbage.

That was the reason that he wasn't annoyed much when he was ripped from his sleep. He rubbed his eyes and listened to the sound that had woken him up. It didn't take long and he heard a small voice from behind the curtains.

'Remus?' Sirius whispered barely audible.

Remus drew back the curtain and pointed onto his bed. Sirius didn't need to be asked twice and climbed on the bed next to him.

'Hey.', he said

'Hey.', Remus said. 'What happened?'

'Nothing.'

'What are you doing here when it is _nothing_?'

Sirius gave a shrug.

Remus nudged him. 'Come on, tell me.'

'It's just…', he hummed and hawed. 'what, if Peter was right…?'

'That's total bollocks and you know that.' Remus tried to sound convincing. 'You're not in love with Dumbledore!'

'Of course I'm not in love with Dumbledore!', Sirius hissed. 'But what, if I can't kiss _girls_ anymore?'

Sirius looked at him like a small puppy and shivered. What a cliché, Remus thought. He noticed that this wouldn't be enough to calm Sirius. He said: 'Come on, or things will get frozen that you'll still need in your future.' He lifted his blanket and slid to the edge of his bed to make space for Sirius.

Hesitating Sirius slipped next to him and looked up at the ceiling. After a while without them saying anything and Remus desperately trying to think of something to reassure Sirius, he lifted his hand and carefully stroked Sirius' hair, like his mother had done in the mornings after his first transformations.

Sirius became totally still and was oddly quiet. Remus wanted to stop and drew back his hand, but Sirius grabbed it and held it. They glanced at each other. Remus looked away quickly because there was something in Sirius eyes he couldn't put his finger on. They seemed so livid. They were watching him, he didn't know what to do and so he looked back at him. Sirius' grasp around his hand became stronger. His other hand crawled up to Remus face until his thump stroked trembling over Remus lip. Remus closed his eyes.

Suddenly the hand was gone from his face and the grasp around his hand loosened. Remus wanted to open his eyes, but in the same moment something grazed his cheek and he felt Sirius breath on his mouth. Careful and gently something touched his lips. Like a short flicker it was gone after a second. Afraid it wouldn't return Remus didn't dare to move or open his eyes.

All of a sudden a thought crossed his mind and he tore his eyes open. Sirius was crouching above him, the eyes closed and a small smile around his lips, while he bent forward again.

'It's working!', Remus said breathlessly.

Sirius flinched backwards and speechlessly looked at him with big eyes.

'You kissed me! It's working again!'

Sirius still didn't say anything. Then he grinned at him. 'Remus Lupin, you are the most unromantic person on this planet! But thank Merlin that you aren't a girl!' And with that he leaned forward again and kissed him. And kissed and kissed.

* * *

Two years later their first shared flat was moved into and the new bed was just inaugurated. Sirius turned to Remus, kissed him and closed the eyes ready for sleep.

Remus smiled quietly. Suddenly he had an excellent idea.

'Oh Aaaalbuuus!', he moaned heart-rendingly.

Like under an electric shock Sirius eyes sprang open, he jumped out of the bed and let out an unmanly scream.

Remus started roaring with laughter while Sirius looked panicky from one side to the other.

'What was that for?', he asked after a while.

'I just wanted to remind you that we'll never have children, so they will be spared from this trauma.'

'Thank Merlin!'

‚Oh Siiiriuuus! Take me, right here and now!'

A wolfish grin appeared on Sirius face. 'Again?'

The End

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